FB quote

  • A friend is unwell, they let people know via a status update.  You are happy about this
  • On Saturday nights you spend your time creeping Facebook
  • Someone has had a baby but you ignore it because you hate that fucker… and their baby
  • There are no boggin’ photographs of you on your profile
  • When you come into a bit of money, you tell everyone what you’re going to buy
  • You accept an invite to an event knowing fine well you’d rather be covered in tripe and run through a field of Rottweiler’s
  • You add people you don’t know, because you’re a nosey bastard
  • You are a business owner and only have a friend page because you want to know everyone’s business
  • You are a fella and have had impure thoughts while looking at holiday photographs
  • You are desperate for attention so you ‘frape yourself’
  • You blocked your cousin because you started a family feud and don’t want to see their bakes
  • You feel sorry for fish and join a campaign to save the fish
  • You frequently announce a ‘clear out’ but only when you’ve blocked the one person who was annoying the shit out of you.  You congratulate the ‘lucky ones’.  Yeah right
  • You have no balls so you use your ‘some people’ skills
  • You have your availability on chat switched off so you can creep in peace
  • You have your availability switched on and scour it to see who is online to torture, sorry say Hi to
  • You log your gym workouts
  • You make a dramatic statement but won’t elaborate on why you’re pissed off
  • You make sure your house is clean and any crap cropped out before you upload a picture of someone on the settee
  • You only go onto Facebook to make political statements
  • You only tag yourself on nights out because you want everyone to believe you’re a fun person
  • You PM your mate and discuss someone who has ‘piled it on’
  • You screenshot status updates and send them to your mates on PM to take the piss
  • You screenshot unfortunate looking pictures and send them to your mates on PM to laugh like hyenas
  • You see everything but say nothing
  • You share videos of child abuse, animal abuse, heads getting cut off
  • You tag all your friends in a quote picture and tell them you’re all besties but really you want the one you left out to be jealous
  • You tag people in advertisements and expect to get away with not being punched
  • You tag yourself at a fancy restaurant but not the 5 times you go to Raffo’s the rest of the week
  • You tag yourself at the doctors, the dentist, the toilet
  • You take pictures of peas and tag your personal trainer and wonder why everyone hates you
  • You upload videos of bands nobody knows and declare your love for them
  • You use one of them quote pictures to tell your friends you hate them
  • You want everyone to Like your crap but you ignore all theirs
  • You write status updates on every single thing your kids do and think people give two shits
  • You’re a member of the media and only use Facebook to steal pictures of dead people so you can get a front page
  • You’re only friends with your cousins because you don’t want it to be awkward at reunions
  • You’ve been notified that it’s someone’s birthday but you don’t wish them a Happy Birthday
  • You’ve seen a status, laughed but didn’t Like it because you fucking hate that bastard
  • Your grammar and spelling is terrible.  You leave out vowels and talk in a cringe inducing slang
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