dirty house

Accountant

Watched too much Rain Man as a kid. Obsessed with numbers and perfect order.  Their home is a release from it all and needs regular fumigation.

stealing work stuff

Admin Officer/Receptionist

Uses everything in the office to meet the demands of life. Turns into a hornball when looking at the stationary catalogue.  Rings long lost relatives from the office phone.  Knows about everything in the place and it falls apart if they aren’t there.

knitted poop

Auxiliary Nurse

Does all the nasty things a nurse is too stuck up to do.

Bar staff

Has no social life. Has lost the sense of smell due to the aroma of Guinness Arse. Has also gone deaf from loud music.  Can’t hear what you want to order and gives you the wrong drink.

Barber

Always talks about boxing because hair styling is a mainly feminine vocation.

Beautician

Former millbag with no communication skills.  Sees their backstreet broom cupboard as a luxury spa. It isn’t.

Black Taxi Driver

Owns the road. Anyone with any problems with that statement will be met with a wheel brace.

Bus Driver

Doesn’t know what indicators are. Tries his best to flip a double decker over so he can blame it on the top heavy design and go off sick. Throws a strop if paid with a fiver for the journey.

Butcher

Is an animal in bed. The smell of raw meat gets his juices flowing.

angry-caller

Call Centre Operative

Hates their job. Answers every call with a sarcastic tone.  Rubbish at explaining things. Makes callers feel like crap for even ringing.  When on outbound campaigns, the call centre operative only works during dinner time and during Eastenders.

Chef

Can’t even go to the Kelstar for a pastie bap without having to critique the cooking method and presentation.  A pain in the ass at barbeques.

Child Minder/Childcare worker

Eternal kid at heart. Sings nursery rhymes when doing the dishes.  Lives in la-la land. Has no adult friends.

Choreographer

Failed at their Broadway audition, now has a local dance troupe and rules it with an iron fist. Has beaten up kids.

Civil Servant/Clerical Officer

Always out on the sick or outside having a smoke.  Takes the upholding of public funds very seriously but leaves the lights on in the office before going home for the weekend.

Classroom Assistant

Thinks they are the teacher, but probably better at the job because their brain is similar to a childs.  Sips vodka during playground duty.

Cleaner/Domestic

Is only working in the job as recommended therapy for OCD.  When not cleaning, they are drinking. Sells stolen gear in the workplace.  Shifty individuals.

Communications Officer

Has the ability to sugar coat everything to make it sound good.

Construction Worker

Unemployed – See Taxi Driver

west belfast doorman

Door Supervisor

Was Hitler in a past life. Hates all drunk males. Only in the job because he can feel up girls when they are blocked.

Delivery Driver

Sits around the corner from your house and waits for you to leave.  Attempts delivery.

DJ

Too ugly to get a girlfriend so started DJing instead. Now has a girlfriend who is out of his league.

Doctor

Only in the job because their parents forced them into it.  Trained in the NHS and employed by the NHS but prioritises work life to suit private patients.

Electrician

Unemployed – See Taxi Driver

Food critic

Not even a proper job. An excuse to be a fat bastard.

Fork Lift Driver

Former hood. Got licence through the Probation Board on the condition he wouldn’t steal any more cars.

Flight crew

Is secretly popping valium for their nerves because the plane you have just boarded has a number of safety flaws.

mummy and baby

Full time Mummy

Thinks raising kids is hard. Not cut out for the workplace.  Will cry and go to the European Court of Human Rights if forced into work.  Sees moderating Facebook groups as a career. Has dabbled in Ann Summers and Avon.

Graduate

Is unemployed but looking for work.  Destined to end up in an underpaid job that requires none of the skills they studied so hard for.

Hairdresser (female)

Serial gossiper. Knows the news before the newspapers do.  Starts rumours and then denies it when confronted.

Hairdresser (male)

Thinks being camp is a personal attribute for the job.  Is borderline straight but will have to work as a barber if it’s too evident.  Doesn’t know enough about boxing to be a barber.

fake review

Hospitality worker

When not at work, spends all other time on Trip Advisor posting good reviews about themselves in order to get a raise.

House husband

Brow beaten wimp

House wife

Watches a lot of Jeremy Kyle, This Morning and Loose Women.  Sleeps at midday.  Jumps up and pretends to clean as soon as husband puts key in the door.

Housing Officer

Bumps their mates up the waiting list in exchange for pints.

IT Consultant

Agoraphobic internet nerd who ballses up your computer and then charges you for the pleasure.  Has no social skills and shops online because crowds freak them out.

Journalist

Sets an agenda and copies facts from the internet to reinforce an opinion.  Serial arse licker who isn’t to be trusted.

Make Up Artist

Thinks they are gorgeous. Isn’t.  Cannot tell the difference between terracotta and beige.

Mechanic

Also a former hood doing an NVQ through the Probation Board.  Knows everything about your car because he tried to steal it.  That’s why it’s at the mechanic.

freeloaders

Music Producer

Talks a load of keek and uses the word ‘eclectic’  too much.  Constant freeloader who hangs around parties networking with likeminded bullshitters.

Nail Technician

Failed beautician. Sniffs nail glue in between customers.

Nurse

Can diagnose a condition by smell.  Hates know it all junior doctors.  Can have a discussion about dihorrea during lunch without boking.

Office Manager

Never lets you see what they are looking at on their computer screen.  Always scheming ways to get out of the office.  Sets up phantom meetings so they can go into town and buy bras from Primark.

Phone shop worker

Reads your messages when you bring your phone in to get fixed.  Goes through your internet history even though you think you have deleted it.  Greets you with a sly smile when you pick up your fixed phone.  Hasn’t done a thing with it, it’s still banjaxxed.

Photographer

Has ADHD. Can’t have a conversation without being distracted by something they saw.  Can’t find a photograph they took of you when you wanted it but if you die in a horrific accident they will sell it to the newspapers in a flash.

Plumber

Hard to get a hold of. Cries out for work but when they get a job they don’t show up.  Drives taxis when out of work and signs on the rest of the time.

Pic credit: Julian Behal
Pic credit: Julian Behal

Police Officer

Works for half the year and takes the other half off sick on full pay.  Looks forward to a riot.

Priest

Dying breed.  Job too risky.  Now comes with danger money.

Retired

Unofficial child minder.  Plays a lot of Candy Crush and Flappy Bird. Has a racist tendency.

Restaurant Manager

Farts around without doing any actual work.

Secretary (female)

Thinks she’s the boss. Knows about everything and everyone.  Tells company secrets during tea break. She’s the office mixer and starts all the fights.

Secretary (male)

Is gay

Security Guard

Doesn’t care if you lost your child, you should have been keeping an eye on them.  Spends most of the time on the CCTV booth zooming in on women’s chests instead of catching thieves.

Shop Assistant

The customer is never right.  The shop assistant hates anyone who attempts to poke their nose in the door half an hour before closing.  The shutters are down two inches for a reason.

Shop Owner

Constantly turning away cheapskates who want to haggle or throw the money in later.  Believes in shopping local and lectures everyone on it but buys groceries in the big three supermarkets.

Singer

Treats every performance like it’s an Xfactor audition.  Practises air grabbing in the mirror.

Solicitor

Argues about everything. Is able to find loop holes in the smallest places.  Serverely dodgey bastard.  A good friend to pretend to like.

Student

No good at anything yet. Still finding themselves.  Will never have a job. Working ruins their spirit.

Takeaway phone answerer

Doesn’t need to make dinner.  Gets paid in grub.

Taxi Driver

Only in the job because they were made redundant from something else they were no good at.  Hates all passengers. Has considered sexual favours in exchange for fares.

Teacher

Only works half of the year.  Has leather skin from all the foreign holidays. Whinges a lot.

Tour Guide

Tells random untrue stories and doesn’t stick around to be told otherwise.

Trade Unionist

Loves a good strike.  Only goes to junkets with a free bar.  Will knock your baleeks in.

Trouble-shooter

More like a troublemaker. This tout will get you sacked.  If a trouble-shooter is called in, contact your union immediately.

Waiter/Waitress

Spits in your food when you send it back

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