ROSES are red
violets are blue
you’re an aul bastard
and I hate you
TODAY’S the day, commercialism tells us we should be waking up with hearts in our eyes and a burning desire for our partner. Our lovers should be up at the scrake of dawn making breakfast and sprinkling rose petals around the house.
The partner is always male for some reason. Why is Valentines day rarely targeted towards lesbian couples, are they exempt from romance?
It’s all boke inducing rubbish and the sooner it ends, the better.
Women who receive flower deliveries to the office need a good hiding. Nothing screams out “I’m insecure” more than wanting colleagues to know you’re going out with someone.
Similarly, nothing says “bunny boiler” more than sending your boyfriend a massive card to his work. What you are really saying is “he’s mine, hands off or else”.
If this is your first Valentines day without a card on the fireplace, it can be a depressing ten minutes. But ask yourself – are you happier now without him or her doing your box in?
For others, it will be the first time they’ve had a card – that they didn’t post to themselves. They’ll be walking on air. Feeling spoiled as they gobble up chocolates while admiring their flowers, displayed on the windowsill for the neighbours to see.
Some couples are surprising though – they go for the whole wined, dined and romantically entwined carry on even if they’re short on cash or together for yonks.
Having worked in the hospitality trade for years, it’s inadvisable to book a table for Valentines. Your dinner will be precooked that day. You’d be better off with a pot noodle.
My chum is going out for a romantic all you can eat buffet. Clearly she and her partner are not planning on getting their rock and roll when they get home. I was at the same place last week and farted for two hours afterwards. It was not attractive.
You see I’m an expert in affairs in the heart, mainly because I’ve had more boyfriends than Taylor Swift. But I learned to love myself first, then allow someone else in.
To me, the epitome of masculinity is a man who works hard and provides for his family. A man that makes you feel safe, one you can come to with your troubles knowing, he’ll help find a solution.
There’s nothing more attractive than a man who can work a washing machine, make a good dinner or gets the hoover out occasionally. One that changes dirty nappies and helps with night feeds is a keeper.
Likewise, a woman who pulls her weight and appreciates a good man is important. There are a lot of lazy hallions out there, taking their men for granted. Then they wonder where it all went wrong when he takes himself off.
Showing affection and sharing the housework is an everyday thing – not just the middle of February.