IN an effort to help Hyacinth out – I have come up with some suggestions to alleviate her anxiety.
I hereby give notice to Belfast City Council town planning committee to abide by these rules when making decisions:
All future social housing to be built along the slopes of the Black Mountain, much like the shanty towns in Rio.
Keep the bank owned houses separate, away from all the poverty.
Don’t allow the peasants to have shops because they’ll bring litter and the litter will blow into private gardens, taking the look off the petunias.
Give the poor people plenty of off licences and chippies. The only thing they spend their money on is drink and junk food.
The nearest bus stop should be outside the new social estate. Sure they all have DLA cars anyway. Those without cars won’t mind the hike. It’ll harden them.
Any newly built private housing developments should come with a sniper to shoot stray children and dogs. Amnesty International might object to this. Another solution would be an electrified perimeter fence to keep the riff raff out.
- An oxygen filter. Heaven forbid the private dwellers have to breathe in the same air.
- A postcode system that identifies a street as bought or social – just to make it easier for insurance companies.
- A separate water and sewage system.
- Grenades should be readily available to lob into the back garden of social tenants partaking in the consumption of alcoholic beverages during the hours of 9 -5.