IN an effort to help Hyacinth out – I have come up with some suggestions to alleviate her anxiety.


I hereby give notice to Belfast City Council town planning committee to abide by these rules when making decisions:


  • All future social housing to be built along the slopes of the Black Mountain, much like the shanty towns in Rio.

  • Keep the bank owned houses separate, away from all the poverty.

  • Don’t allow the peasants to have shops because they’ll bring litter and the litter will blow into private gardens, taking the look off the petunias.

  • Give the poor people plenty of off licences and chippies. The only thing they spend their money on is drink and junk food.

  • The nearest bus stop should be outside the new social estate. Sure they all have DLA cars anyway.  Those without cars won’t mind the hike.  It’ll harden them.

  • Any newly built private housing developments should come with a  sniper to shoot stray children and dogs.  Amnesty International might object to this.  Another solution would be an electrified perimeter fence to keep the riff raff out.

  • An oxygen filter.  Heaven forbid the private dwellers have to breathe in the same air.
  • A postcode system that identifies a street as bought or social – just to make it easier for insurance companies.
  • A separate water and sewage system.
  • Grenades should be readily available to lob into the back garden of social tenants partaking in the consumption of alcoholic beverages during the hours of 9 -5.