INSPIRED by all the amazing make up products from dolls house journal and a longing for a new look at an upcoming wedding– I had a search on eBay for some beauty tools to add to my box.
What I came across, would fill the pound shop from hell. There really is a market in telling women they are fat sweaty ugly bitches and need these products.
Here is my top ten items that I didn’t even know existed but I am considering getting them due to their ingenuity.
1 Light up ear picker. The tool for all the sadistic mothers who enjoy a good poke at their children’s bodily crevices. Poor kid looks terrified. This would be an inconspicuous threatening device and a replacement for hitting ones naughty kids with slippers.
2 Fat loss toe magnets. Yes ladies – all those months of weighing pieces of bread and sweating at the gym were pointless. You could have just bought these for your kebs and dandered about for a while.
3 Hairbrush cleaner. You know all those Saturday nights sat in spraying hairspray on your hairbrush and pulling all the clumps of hair and dandruff off? Well now you can have a tool to help. Yey!
4 Fingernail eyeballs. For those moments when you just have a feeling that you don’t have enough eyes on your body.
5 Hair chalk. Do you ever think to yourself “I think I’ll give my monthly foils appointment a miss and just use chalk”. Well, now there’s a product to come to your rescue. It washes out and guess what – you can even use it as proper chalk. Great for teachers on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
6 Toxin removing patches. Go to sleep with these on your feet. Apparently they work like reflexology. The dirtier they are when you wake up, then the more full of crap you are. Must order a bucket of these and post them to Stormont.
7 Silicone ear covers. Do you ever dye your hair and end up with ears the same colour? These wonderful ear covers will not only make you look like an alien and shut out the sound of your whingey brats – but you will have normal tone ears. Sweet
8 Nose shaping clip. For those times when you feel your nose isn’t pointy enough and it needs that little bit of help.
9 Mouth exerciser. There is a reason why we haven’t needed this product in Belfast. It’s for women who don’t speak very much and need to exercise their jaws. There is a pricey version which I’m going to see if the husband wants to buy me as an anniversary present. See below.
10 Sweat patch. Even after a shower, we can still be full on Sweaty Betty’s. And nobody wants to be the one in the office with the BO. This product looks like a panty liner, so you had better watch it doesn’t fall out when you’re doing a presentation.