JUST like the westies had their say about Andytown Barracks, Belfast City Council wants everyone to put forward some suggestions to make the city a better place.
And as I’m your local friendly gobshite who never shuts up – these are my suggestions and opinions. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Pic credit: Belfast Telegraph
Ban on contentious parades and marches through the city centre
I’m talking The Twelfth, St Patrick’s and Anti Internment. Any event where someone is going to be offended and riot police are needed – take it to your own doors. The city centre is a shared space and lots of us can’t be bothered with your shite. Call it a carnival atmosphere if you want but it’s still an event created to wind someone up. Our priority should be commerce.
Get rid of that wall blocking the Berry Street entrance of CastleCourt. This is a great site for planning an alternative Belfast
Pic credit: lugaresfamosos.com
Have one very long street allocated for pop up stalls, beggars, buskers and street artists. Your man who makes up his own words and kills popular songs behind Boots would be ideal to move. All the Big Issue sellers and trumpet/violin man should go here. Don’t get me started on man outside Primark with the keyboard and freaky dolls.
Think of La Rambla in Barcelona – it’s full to the brim with street artists and at least they do something entertaining to earn money.
Pic credit: inhabitat.com
Check out this one in London, it brings people from Greenwich to the O2 Arena for concerts. So far, it’s been described as a waste of money but the route is being extended to West Ham.
Imagine going to a concert in the Odyssey and getting there from Napoleon’s Nose, how cool would that be? The route could be extended to Divis Mountain. The scenery would be spectacular.
Alright, our weather is shit but during the summer – we could have an amazing late night café culture. Think Central Perk in Friends with a Phoebe type randomer playing guitar while people chill out with hot beverages.
Covert CCTV at bus stops would catch any spides wrecking the information screens. If the spide is unknown to the cops, the video of them doing damage could be played on the big TV at the City Hall with a reward offered for information.
Pic credit: securicorpltd.com
Manned taxi ranks
Designated taxi queues with neon wearing supervisors. Anyone bunking the queue gets put to the back. The fare to be agreed on and paid before getting into the taxi with a receipt given to the customer with the cost, number plate and DOE driver number. Any taxi driver dicking about saying they don’t go to certain estates to be banned from picking up in the queue.
Pic credit: prettyusefulmap.com
Planes, Trains & Automobiles
We need a decent train stop right at the doors of George Best City airport – not half a mile away from it.
While we’re on the subject – rename the airport. Please choose someone who wasn’t an alcoholic wife beater who wasted a good organ. I’m actually cringing at the thoughts of Belfast International being renamed after Rory McIlroy. He is a culchie from Holywood – he’s not even from Belfast ffs. Let the middle classes whack in for a wee present for him. He’s never improved my quality of life or put tax credits up by an extra tenner – so he can clear off. The curly haired twat.
Ever notice the way the train track only goes to predominantly protestant places? That’s because, when it was built – we were in the throes of blatantly filthy discrimination. Those days are gone. Seeing as Belfast is supposed to be the hubbub of transport in ENNN NIGH – any chance of trains throughout the country?
Pic credit : appsense.com
Pedestrianize the City Centre. Allow cyclists and install some bike fixing stations about the place. Another thing – do you ever notice the way the Falls Road metro corridor leaves you off at the edge of town but if you come from any other part of Belfast – you can get off the bus smack bang in the city centre? Discrimination again. All buses should stop and pick up at the edge of town. Fairs fair.
Buses should be heavily subsidised. That £2 Love Saturdays thingy was class. It would be brilliant to have it as a permanent tariff. When BRT begins – how about free bus travel with your receipt?
All bus stops in the city centre should have those tracker screens showing when the next bus is due.
Police to liaise with taxi rank supervisors and door staff. Anyone caught slabbering should be put into the back of a jeep until they calm down. A zero tolerance approach should be adopted.
Praise Jeebus Brigade
I’m going to say it once and only once. Fuck off. Catch yourselves on you bible thumping bunch of wankers. This city is progressing and you are holding it back. Bibles don’t pay wages. Sundays should be treated like any other day of the week.
All shops to open until 9pm every night. Belfast is a grim place when the shops shut. It’s like everyone scurries back to their estates until morning. We should have thriving mid week city centres like Liverpool, Newcastle and Manchester. Our city is embarrassing when the shutters come down.
Pic credit : disabilityaction.org
A few more SOS buses planted around the city centre. This should take the heat off the RVH Emergency Department.
Pic credit : anightinliverpool.com
Staggered closing times
Each bar and club to have a designated kicking out time.
Please build an underpass or an overpass linking the M1, M2 and M3. The current system is a load of kack.
Pic credit : viralnovelty.net
It’s meant to be a cosmopolitan place. Get some fibre on the go!