DO you know what happens to babies that aren’t baptised? As soon as your child is born, the devil is waiting for it to die and then take it to his fiery lair where it can be in the company of criminals and molesters.

Your baby won’t get into heaven if it’s not christened. Seriously it won’t. It won’t even be allowed to be buried in consecrated ground. So you’ll have to take it up the mountain and bury it in a ditch.

So to protect your baby from the devil – you need to have it baptised into the Christian faith as soon as possible and that way if it dies, it will have a good Christian burial and the angels will come and take it to heaven where it will watch over you until you meet again.

If this sounds like hogwash, stop thinking like that. That’s the devil at work. Making you think bad thoughts.

If you’re lucky enough to have your baby for a longer time – then it’s important that you teach it to love and respect God through Sunday worship. Because just like Santa Claus – God is always watching and will be angry if you don’t.

If you neglect your religious parental duties, you’ll be a bad bad parent. And do you know what happens to bad parents? They go to hell with the devil. You and your child will be separated in the afterlife and you don’t want that do you? You down there with Satan and your child up there with the angels all alone.

After early religious duties comes education. It’s important that you enrol your child in a Catholic school as soon as it’s born. It’s free, paid for by the parish. Sorry it’s not, it’s paid for by the block grant that comes from Westminster and then to Stormont but don’t let those details get in the way of loving Jesus.

Sorry is this getting confusing? Jesus is God but is also God’s son. Mary is Jesus’ mother. She conceived him without the need of a penis or sperm and gave birth to him with a fully intact hymen. I know that sounds far-fetched but stay with me. Your child will learn about it in school and it will all become clear. As long as they have faith in God, Jesus and Mary – they won’t need to ask questions.

To keep your child interested in their religious journey, they need to complete the seven sacraments. Each new sacrament has a small to substantial financial cost but brings more rules to stick to and if any of those rules are broken – the gates of heaven will be locked. Your child will have to convince St Peter to slot them into God’s appointment book for some explaining and only then may God allow them into heaven. And if they don’t apologise for breaking the rules – it’s straight down to the burning fires of hell with Satan.

It’s important for your child to stay in Catholic maintained education until it reaches adulthood. You as a parent need to create the need for the cycle of religious led education or the funds will dry up and religious teaching will be obsolete. And do you know what happens to people who don’t send their kids to a religious school….




If you prefer a more serious article