This piece was written by a male who prefers to remain anonymous.  We engaged in debate about human rights and whether or not women’s rights trump those of a man when it comes to social situations and family life.  He had a remarkable story to tell.  I publish his words here with his permission.

Context: XY had a traumatic childhood.  His mother told him that she would have aborted him if she could have.  She felt forced into marrying his father and became an abusive alcoholic.

depressed-man

MY experience has taught me not many people want to know or believe in what I had gone through.

I remember the feeling I had of really liking my girlfriend, now wife, about what I was going through. For fear of being judged and for fear of being hurt, another female rejection.

I grew up being made to feel not good enough. If my mum couldn’t see any good in me how could any other woman? It’s impacted me socially, I don’t like crowds, loud noises, sudden bangs.

I can get anxious yet if you seen me, my expression would make you think there was nothing wrong, that I’m normal.

I don’t like people trying to get close, I’m suspicious of that. I don’t trust easy and can be cold. It’s my defence because I’d give you the shirt off my back if it meant it could help you. I don’t like seeing any suffering. Socially this impacts me.

A lot of the time I’m withdrawn, it was my coping mechanism to try and withdraw myself away from violent or emotional abuse, just a comfort I guess.

I’d rather work in the background part of a team or on my own, I’ll carry the piano, others can play it. I went through what I did alone, nobody cared, I know of no services. I’ve been homeless, cold wondering what the point is in life.

Maybe it was better to be aborted as my mum wished. People judged. Open and subliminal judgement. “I can’t understand why a mum would do that to her child” was a usual statement, automatic suspicion of my story being true or not, “awk I bet he is bluffing because society tells us it’s the father that abuses.”

People; when they find out, treat me like there is something wrong with me. Maybe I done something that made a mother abuse or ‘get angry’ with her son.

I find it hard to articulate my issues because I don’t want to offend people.

I’m angry at society and I guess the position some women want to elevate themselves to. When I say being angry about women elevating themselves, I don’t mean in any way that I don’t feel women should be in positions of betterment of power, it’s more about being in a position to call the shots on issues that impact men.

I’m not anti women in any sense and would fight tooth and nail for any issues that would deliver women equality on a par with men.

When I hear of women subjecting men to inequality it reminds me of my own experience with mum. I can’t even call her that because I’m not a son to her, so I’ve no mum, never had a mum and the one regret I feel in life will be never knowing what a mothers love is.

It’s supposed to be an unbroken bond between mother and child but I’ve nothing there. I see it in my friends and it’s something I miss but know I’ll never have. Hard to explain that.

It’s difficult to know what I’ve went through and experienced without having people question it all over again.

Like I said people judge, they don’t react with a comforting look or hug, instead it’s a look of disbelief.

It’s a reason I remain anonymous and a lot of the time silent on the issue, it’s not brought up. Be a man, suck it up buttercup. Forget about it and it goes away….. But it knows only too well when to come back and hurt whenever it’s least expected.

 

nightingale

**If you have been impacted by this story, The Nightingale Crisis Support Centre 02895 900008 (9am-5pm) & 0808 168 7771 (5pm-9am) is a good source of help for people living in the Belfast area.**

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