If you’re like me and a sucker for honesty, then you’ll enjoy this post. This is Jonny Orr.  Westies may not know him because he lives outside the bubble but I noticed him two years ago when he stood for council in Lisburn.  I’ve followed his updates ever since.  His party consists of him, his Ma’s cat and a stuffed penguin.  If only all the candidates standing in May were like this. Anyway, what you’re about to read is Jonny’s own words and republished with his permission.  

I need to confess the bad things I’ve done. Typically someone in my position should try and hide these things. This is a confession from last year. It’s tip of the iceberg and I’ll share more soon. I was asked for a CV by a professor from Queens. I told him I would send an honest CV. Turns out it’s quite therapeutic and I got a lovely response. ************************************

One of my earliest memories is crying at a birthday party because the other kids were being mean to a disabled kid. I couldn’t understand the cruelty. Still don’t.

I had strict parents. I ran away from home one night when I was 9 and made it all the way up Stoneyford mountain alone to my grandparents house.

In high school I became an international small arms and explosives smuggler/dealer. Bought fireworks from over the border and airsoft guns from mail order. Was eventually caught and captured with a gun and knife in school. Sentenced was reduced to one Saturday detention. Back of the net. RUC arrived at school to question me about death threats sent to a businessman from the IRA. Denied it. Was totally guilty. Although I wasn’t actually the IRA. He didn’t know that. Grandmother got me to confess. Forged a lot of sick notes. Never scooped. Interestingly the Vice Principal who accepted the forged notes is now on Lisburn Council. Decent bloke (has a good firm handshake)

Fell off my roof and didn’t die. Hip still hurts in winter sometimes. Accidently broke a window to get into my parents house to have a party. Charged my school friends an admission fee and got the window fixed before they came back from holidays. ‪#‎industrious‬ Mitched and just walked out of school. Loads. Bought bandages and faked injury to avoid punishment.

Worked. Regularly. Left school with 5 grade C GCSEs.

For years I self-harmed and tried to kill myself on my 17th birthday. I’ve struggled with depression but I know there are people that love me and I can make it through the dark times. It gets better. It can just take a while. In a few of my first jobs I slept in the toilets in work. Regularly. Made a wee bed outta cushions. Walked out of 15+ shite jobs. Nice feeling until you’re broke. Took the staff I was supervising in Smyths up to the store room to sit and play Gameboy Sp and did no actual work. Still got paid like. Dropped out of A levels 3 times. Spent a good period in my early 20s feeling depressed and lonely. I would eat a KFC alone every other Thursday when my dole came in. All I wanted was for someone to sit down and talk to me.

I drank my own pee out of drunken boredom in Paris back in 2005. Discovered a way to recycle cash converters crap stock of games into good games by trading them in for a Grand theft auto deal in Game. Made my boss a nice profit. Continued the scheme independently to pay for my weed habit until I ended up with actual skills.

Excellent memory for numbers, Creative strategy and started to learn how to connect with people. Stopped being an everyday pothead (quitting that dirty soap bar hash was hard) and went on community courses to Scotland and Canada. Learned to stop being so judgemental of others. Was busted with weed at 27 and given the same sentence as a guy I met on probation. He had smacked his wife and 3 cops. I smoked a plant. Seems fair enough, right?

Worked for some good local companies and volunteered in different places. It was really through volunteering that I learnt some decent work ethic. Learned how to build websites, just so I could make a real world version of the riddler trophy game from Arkham Asylum. I have a fear of writing but started to conquer it in the past year. Yes I know my grammar is still crap.

Ran for Council in 2014. Helped Lisburn elect it’s first Liberal politician by walking around in a Darth Vader suit with a large penguin. Props to him for the ballsy nonsense he embraced to get elected. He still owes me a fancy dinner. Also I was a bit mean to him. I apologise. I reckon he will be First Minister someday. I started chaining people up in a basement and gave them 60 minutes to escape (for fun). It was a game that led to a billion dollar company approaching me. Didn’t get the contract but I knew I was on to something, since they were the ones to approach me.

I have been helping myself to loads of biscuits down in the members area of Lisburn Council. I have done charitable and kind things but don’t think it’s right to list them.

I found a lump where no guy wants to find one. Eventually it was tested (wasn’t malignant) and I took the sense of appreciation for being young and healthy and channelled it into another political run. By spending £63 and running a facebook campaign I managed to bump my votes from last years 33 to 756. Now I’m going to really take it up a notch. I’m also eternally grateful to the people that helped me fund the £500 deposit for the election. Thank you.

I’m more of a lone wolf than a team player. On the right mission I can be part of a team and can bring something unique. When I was younger, I had no confidence and suffered from crippling depression and loneliness. Now, I believe in myself and love embracing creativity. I reckon I live by a decent code. Kinda do unto others and all that, but most importantly forgive. I believe a healthy life consists of earning, learning and yearning. I want to create jobs over the next few years and I would sooner give a job to someone that gave me an honest CV rather than that nonsense people feel obliged to write to gain generally pretty shitty jobs.

I plead with you not to sell the premium hours of your life to something that provides little fulfilment or reward. Call centres are satans womb. Take some risk. Fortune favours the bold. My dream is to rebuild my broken home city and to create a global real world gaming empire. It’s the thought and vision that gets me outa bed in the morning, with a smile on my face.

P.s I would like to be part of a new generation of politicians that actually talks and behaves like a real human (faults and all). I’ll keep making mistakes and I’ll keep learning.