YOU keep telling yourself you’ll stay in and stay off it, take it easy on the drink.

But here is it again, your enemy but old friend you just cannot stay away from.  The sensation that only comes when you’ve came home absolutely steamin’ drunk and got up out of a sleep, staggering partially clothed to the toilet.

You hate when room spin appears but it’s so familiar it’s almost like an unwelcome relative you’ve come to put up with.

You keep forgetting you’re the one that invited this spinning dizziness – because you’ve did it again through your lack of self control and inability to know your limits.

The swirling portal brings with it the bodily malfunctions of hiccups and a watery mouth.  You’re faced with the trauma of getting on your knees and boking head first into the toilet you’ve just pissed in, knowing your luck – you’ll receive a double splash back of urine and vomit to the face.  Instead you choose the safer option of the wicker bin from under the sink.  Hoping whatever room spin brings up is lumpy in texture and doesn’t spill through the holes of the bag-less bin and onto your bare feet. Again.  But it’s got the consistency of bile and is luminous green in colour.

Why are you like this?

Ah shut up your drunk brain tells the sober goody two shoes one.  I’m allowed to do this.  I’m an adult.  As long as I clean up the mess – nobody will know.

The swirling portal slows and you realise it’s just a trick of the mind.  The bathroom door isn’t trying to come in at you and the walls are not crushing your shoulders – it’s just your sober brain getting revenge on the drunk one for having so much fun.  Sober brain is a boring dick and doesn’t like drunk brain very much.  Sober brain hangs about libraries on Saturdays when the drunk one prefers to lie in bed suffering but too stubborn to regret a thing from the night before.

Finally the swirling portal comes to a rest.  Like an unfunny funfair ride, you get off the toilet and climb into the shower.  Where it washes away the nasty green tinge on your feet and the sins of the previous hours.