CHOOSING one super power is kind of like coming across a magic lamp, giving it a rub and waiting for a genie to come out.
But just say you cant make up your mind? It’s like when you’re in a restaurant and too busy talking to read the menu and the waitress appears waiting for you to order. You’re under pressure to pick something, anything and hope for the best. The same goes for choosing a super power.
You can go through the seven deadly sins and work the super power in your favour:
Lust: Yeah, make everyone in the world fall in love with you but then you’ll get fed up with the attention.
Gluttony: Being able to scoff whatever you like and then have it all liposuction-ed out when you turn into a big fat mess.
Greed: Having large doses of everything you’ve ever wanted appeals, especially when some twat you hate wants it more.
Sloth: How good would it be to just stop giving a fuck about everything? No conscience at all, no worries.
Wrath: Some people who aren’t very assertive always wish they could get angry and build up the courage to let rip. It’s not too bad a super power to have.
Envy: Nobody wants to envy anyone. This is a stupid idea.
Pride: Again, this is stupid too. Move along for fucks sake.
You could always be a humanitarian and use your super power to bring world peace. But then that means people losing their jobs in the munitions industry. It will bankrupt Israel.
You could choose to cure all diseases but then what about the pharmaceuticals industry? Disease and illness puts food in cupboards and roofs on heads. The South of Ireland has big pharma all over the show. The whole country will plunge into a triple dip recession. There’s only so many times the Celtic Tiger can come back roaring before it dies off with the feint purr of a runt like kitten.
What about being able to give people tolerance – surely that could be a good super power? How about testing it out on the North of Ireland? Do we really want some happy clapping weirdo sprinkling magic tolerance dust on us like a chem-trail? No we certainly do not and I’ll thank you to fuck away off with your tolerance. Intolerance is all we know and you coming along ruining it will throw us off completely.
So what about respect then? That’s a nice super power to give people. Respect means I’ll stop being prejudice against you. No, we certainly don’t want that.
I’ve decided, you can stick your super power up your hole, I’m happy enough without it.