Have you ever heard the phrase “I wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last person on earth?” This is kind of similar. How funny is it to be stranded with the biggest melter in the world on an island in the middle of I don’t even know where. It must be one of those Caribbean places like in the Thomas Cook brochures.
Trust me to go on a cruise on my own and the fucking ship sinks. I wasn’t even a good swimmer at school and haven’t been in a pool in years. I really have no idea how I’ve survived. I just remember waking up choking on salt water beside this total wingnut on this wee tiny beach.
Why could I not have got a Leonardo DiCaprio type character to survive with? Instead, for the past six months I’ve had to listen to Edward – an eejit from England talking absolute ballix about conspiracy theories. If he mentions aviation fuel and steel beams one more time, I’m going to fashion a spear from a branch and stab him in his sleep.
Well he’s not really that bad. He taught me how to catch a fish, gut it and cut its head off without boking anymore. It’s all in the breathing. He’s got some really good survival skills. This must be from years of watching dodgy old man TV channels where it’s Bear Grylls one hour and World’s Best Conspiracy Theories next.
Right now I’d give anything for my old life as a secretary and a chicken curry out of The Rainbow. I went on the cruise to ponder the meaning of life and the only thing its done is make me appreciate what I had and to stop biting the hand that feeds me.
For the first few months we seen passing planes and other cruise ships and we signaled for help but nobody ever answered or stopped. We don’t even try waving them down anymore. They probably think we live here and that campfire and big help sign made out of strategically placed rocks is just there for the craic.
Everyday it gets worse. We rise, eat some fish, catch more, go for a walk around the island collecting logs and making sure the fire never goes out because believe me – it’s a pain in the balls to light again. Then I listen to Edward reminisce about his days in the Army.
13th May 2017
Falls Library Creative Writer’s Group
15 minutes writing time